Bereavement

Death and dying are not words that everyone is comfortable with, even though we know that the one certainty in life, is death. We also know that Dementia, whichever form a person is diagnosed with, is a degenerative illness, and will ultimately limit the person's lifespan.

Bereavement is a very personal and individual process but there are some general effects that can be commonly recognised when experiencing, or supporting someone after a death. However, please remember that the information here is only a guide and professional help should be sought if you are having problems dealing with bereavement.

There is a book called 'Coping with Loss', written by Roy Lascelles which refers to 8 different stages of loss and is widely used as a guidebook for counsellors during their training into the effects of bereavement. These stages can come and go during the period of bereavement, and are not always in the same order, or frequency. They can also co-exist, with 2 or more being present at any one time. The paragraphs below outline the stages.

Intellectual

There is an adjustment process following the loss of a loved one, and the initial reaction can be a sense of disbelief and that the situation is unreal.

Psychological

People can experience a range of emotions about the person they have lost, (eg guilt / anger, idealisation, shock, and confusion). These can be worrying but they are perfectly normal reactions and can be worked through given time.

Spiritual

If you have a faith, then this can be very comforting, but for some it may cause a crisis or loss of belief. Individuals may also find that that they have thoughts of suicide. Here the process is one of acceptance and then about developing, or redefining the purpose of life for you.

Physical

Following a loss, people have reported sleep disturbance, feeling lethargic, loss of appetite, and pain. Once again, these are quite normal but it is important to take care of yourself physically and if you feel that it is affecting you adversely, then you should seek the advice of your G.P.

Emotional

People can experience a vast array of emotions after a loss but it is not uncommon for feelings of yearning for the past, relief, sadness, guilt, or individuals can emotional withdraw for a time, avoiding the things they usual do. Once again it is important to remember to take care of yourself. Most people experience a range of emotions, contradictory ones at times. Remember also that bereavement is a process that takes time, and this will vary in different circumstances for different people.

Behavioural

In this stage there can be a sense of aimlessness or restlessness, avoidance of social contact, or even avoidance of reality as a whole. The goal here is to re-engage with life which can mean re-organising routines etc.

Social

Isolation and loneliness can be a feature of bereavement as you work through the sorrow. It can also mean taking on a new role or re-connecting with new hobbies or activities.

Practical

In practical terms it is quite usual to have a sense of anxiety and helplessness. Although Individuals may be tempted to making major changes in their lives, this should be avoided if possible.

Summary

The stages above cover the ways in which people can be affected by any loss. For carers and those who have lost a loved one who has had Dementia, there can be added elements. For example, a lot of the usual features of bereavement can involve aspects also linked to Dementia such as confusion, absent-mindedness, and irrational behaviour. Some bereaved carers can go on to display symptoms similar to those experienced by the person that they cared for, but it is important to look after yourself and always seek medical advice if you are at all concerned about the effects bereavement is having on you.

Another feature relating to this type of bereavement is that people sometimes feel they lose the person twice. As a carer, you may feel that you have already lost the person you knew to Dementia, therefore you may not experience the same level of grief at the time of their passing. Relief, (also referred to earlier), can sometimes be an emotion that you will experience. This is normal but can be difficult to talk about.

Due to the nature of Dementia it can be hard to remember good times that have been shared, but as time goes by, these memories can return. It is important to talk about the person who has died and the memories of your times together. It is also important to note that for some carers, life can become difficult because you have had to devote your time to looking after the person who has passed away, and have possibly stopped work or lost contact with friends. Everyone at some stage in their life will experience loss and bereavement. It is a natural part of life that individuals need to work through. However, for some people, extra support may be needed. It may be worth talking to your GP, or an organisation such as Cruse Bereavement Care if you are worried about how you are coping with bereavement.